"Just One Tear!" allowing others to see your emotions

One of my all-time favorite movies is The Holiday. It is the epitome of pathetic, which perhaps explains my ability to relate. The single, lonely individual with a not-so-great relationship track record, yet successful career… who is, well, still single. In the movie, Cameron Diaz plays a character who simply cannot cry. She is literally not capable of crying, and hasn’t since her parents’ divorce at age 12. As an adult, she wants to be able to cry and it bothers others that she can’t. The crying quandary comes to climax when she cries out “Please! Just one tear!” As the movie would have it, her heart begins to heal through the process of falling in love and her ability to cry returns.

Why is it that some people really can’t cry? It is not because they have no emotions or even because they do not want to cry necessarily. It is because it has become a conditioned habit as a response to getting hurt, either once or continuously. In other words, their “emotional self” is responding to external stimuli. Sometimes what starts as an initial coping skill (i.e. not crying), turns into a lifelong habit. Our bodies are very responsive to the ways we teach them to cope. 

I work with young girls, a lot of whom have traumatic pasts and have lived destructive lifestyles, and one of the things we require of them to progress through the program is to tear down the walls and allow others to see their emotions. This is important because it is a sign that they are healing on the inside. When something or someone hurts us, our automatic response is to put up a wall of protection so that we cannot be hurt again. And for some, not allowing themselves to cry prevents them from feeling the pain. Thus a wall is put in place. But is that wall a good thing? A wall might keep out some of the bad, but it’s also not going to let the good in. Not only are those with an emotional wall pushing others away by not being able to share their emotions, they are “stuffing” it themselves and not really addressing the root/cause of the problem/hurt. Allowing others to see one’s emotions requires vulnerability. But before one can be vulnerable with others, they have to be honest with themselves. A person may really want to cry in front of others, and just as "Amanda" in The Holiday, when healing from the real incident takes place and one begins to break down that wall, and allow themselves to feel again, naturally that initial coping skill turned lifelong habit will cease. And they will be able to cry again!

So let the tears flow, and allow others to catch glimpses of you in the vulnerable. It will add so much to your life.