On The Move

What else would you expect from me after 5 months of living in one place?

Destination location as of May 22: Watauga, TN

It will just be a short little jaunt of over 2200 miles from where I am currently located. 

I have accepted a position as a lead counselor for Camp Ta-Pa-Win-Go that will go thru August. Plans after that are TBA. However, I do know that I am NOT coming back to Montana!!! Ever. A little bit of what I'll be doing this summer and how it fits into my career goals: the ministry in my particular position is that of being available to serve others.  As a lead counselor, I am a support system to the other counselors. I am there for whatever they need, whether it is a personal emotional struggle or a problem with a camper. I am excited in the aspect that I get to mentor 8 senior staff girl counselors!  My passion is pouring into the lives of women and young people, so it a puzzle piece fit. 

The burning question in everyone's mind right now: WHY?! Besides the obvious that nothing about my job has cracked up to what it was supposed to be (i.e. I was completely lied to about my schedule, what my position entailed, etc.) there are a few more factors. I have been under a heavy spiritual oppression where I am now. Not only because I have been unable to get involved in a church due to my schedule, but also because the association of people I have found to hang out with do not share a lot of my same fundamental beliefs. And thus are not edifying to my spiritual walk. I am also incredibly "homesick" in that the midwest is where my family and friends are. Yeah, I have the strength to stick it out here, but why fight something that doesn't require a battle? I'm not happy here. I figure that you get to live life once - so you might as well not spend it being intentionally miserable. While I do believe that I had a calling to home here initially, for some reason God chose to make it a very short season. I have no regrets about it and don't believe that I was misled in making that choice, but the fruit of this chapter is something that remains to be seen. Until then, off to the next adventure!

Three cheers to packing up boxes, loading a U-haul, and driving HOURS by myself! Yet again :-)

Official resignation date: April 14

Experiencing Angels

Yes, I believe in angels.

I have had two very personal encounters with angels this week, one from each realm. 

Apparently my time to go has not come yet because heavenly guardians saved my life on Friday. Never have I been so close to a near-death experience, yet so calm. As I accelerated up the icy mountain slope to work, my car tires lost traction while a logging truck was barrelling down the mountain on the opposite side. My car began to turn into a 360, taking up the entire narrow road. The truck wasn't stopping. Just as he was about to hit me head-on, my car completed it's spin in the reversal of natural gravity, throwing me into a snowdrift on the safe side of the road. No damage anywhere, car or me, to show from it. Had he hit me, if I hadn't died from force on impact, I would most likely have fallen down the sheer cliff edge of the mountain. Yes, I believe in angels. Praise the Lord for His protection!!!

Thrust into the throes of evil, darkness infiltrated the hearts of many."Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places," Ephesians 6:10-12. Spiritual warfare was waging this weekend at work. Even though I am always aware of the opposition up against us in fighting the battle for these young women's hearts and lives, Satan has not had to make himself extremely acknowledged lately. But the more the Spirit of God fills the place, the more threatened Satan becomes. I can honestly say that I have never witnessed such a powerful display of demonic possession as one particular girl, M, circled the room, face red, pulling her hair, muttering unintelligible things, falling to the floor, and then rocking herself in a ball. As I prayed, revoking Satan's hold over her, I continued to remind the concerned and freaked out onlooking girls no matter how scared or unsafe they felt, that God's power is always able to overcome anything Satan initiates. "Behold I give you authority...over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you," Luke 10:19. As I prayed for a covering of protection and the prevailing force of God to win this war for her heart, I felt like I was reminding myself of those same promises. From mid-afternoon on, leading up to this situation, emotions were raging and the entire community was in a tizzy over an incident involving razor blades, betrayal, and gossip. 18 girls is a lot to have out of control all at once, and my intuition knew I needed to de-escalate all of them before someone got physically hurt. Unfortunately, I still had to take a trip to the ER for a girl, R, with a broken hand because she punched the wall in her rage, but it could have been so much worse. Following that incident, I sat them down in a circle, and my co-worker began to pray peace over the entire place and the hearts of each of the girls. Through that I had the wonderful privilege of being there when R accepted the Lord as her Savior through it all. HOW EXCITING!!! The community is still in a weird place, and the oppression is still hovering... M is far from being on the other side of the darkness yet, but passed through it with a victory last night. 

If I could put a status on my present state it would be, "Exhausted but aware and still fighting." Because what do we fight for? The hearts and minds of many! May we as Christians be encouraged, "Fight the good  fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, to which you were also called" (1 Tim 6:12)

On my drive home today I was encourage by the words of the song, "Savior, Please"

I try to be so tough

But I'm just not strong enough

I can't do this alone

God, I need you to hold on to me

A Little Time and a Long Ways

Why so long? My poor blog has been neglected lately. But I have some very good reasons which I'm most certain you are dying to hear. 

1. Sick hard drive (I am still a devoted Mac girl, but after only a 1 1/2yr life on my MacBook, I was a little less than disappointed). I lost everything. Lesson 1, BACK UP! They all say it, but I guess I just never really did it. 

2. Crazy work life. After all the fluctuating hours and stability to-do with my job, I have finally been put back to full time. Full time+ some with less than full time pay. Am I going to complain? No. I have a job for now. That's the "to be thankful" point. 

3. New entrepreneurial efforts. Having butted heads with some very successful people here in the Flathead valley, I am taking on the task of helping them to expand their businesses, and delve into bettering other's lives. It's exciting, challenging, and hopefully - life changing. 

4. Relationships. That's more complicated than is even worthy of an explanation. 

5. Reading. Which I really love to do. I had made a commitment to read the Twilight series awhile back if you remember. My consensus is that after completing book one, the rest is not really worth my time. Sorry to all you fans out there; I just think you could do a lot better. 

6. "Thinking time" to process life.  A lot has been happening lately. It's a good thing I didn't set expectations for this new year because they'd all be broke by now. There is just no road map for life and the turns it takes. 

Now to story time. Because I am sometimes labeled a blonde, I occasionally find the need to fulfill everyone's expectations associated with that label. Such was the case two weekends ago when I was driving around in the po-dunk town of Whitefish after an ice storm. 20 yards in front of me was a car stopped trying to make a left hand turn. I tapped my brakes to try and get traction to stop. No such luck. My defensive driving decided within inches of rear-ending the guy in front of me that I should veer off into the snowbank on the righthand side. And my quick instincts saved me a ticket and a lot of expense. However, the blonde moment comes when I realize that I am sitting vertical on a 3 foot snow bank sheeted over in ice, completely stuck, and i start LAUGHING! The tow truck had to come and throw me a hook to get me un-stuck while the police directed traffic. It was slightly embarrassing, but I handled it all with good humor, including the tow bill. I just wonder, where is the magnet that attracts these unique pickled situations to me? 

I'm a little homesick this week. Which is encompassing not just my family, but my friends that bear a striking family-like resemblance. Nebraska, Kansas, Alabama, Colorado... why do you all have to be so far away? Here's a thought - come visit me!!! 

"Just One Tear!" allowing others to see your emotions

One of my all-time favorite movies is The Holiday. It is the epitome of pathetic, which perhaps explains my ability to relate. The single, lonely individual with a not-so-great relationship track record, yet successful career… who is, well, still single. In the movie, Cameron Diaz plays a character who simply cannot cry. She is literally not capable of crying, and hasn’t since her parents’ divorce at age 12. As an adult, she wants to be able to cry and it bothers others that she can’t. The crying quandary comes to climax when she cries out “Please! Just one tear!” As the movie would have it, her heart begins to heal through the process of falling in love and her ability to cry returns.

Why is it that some people really can’t cry? It is not because they have no emotions or even because they do not want to cry necessarily. It is because it has become a conditioned habit as a response to getting hurt, either once or continuously. In other words, their “emotional self” is responding to external stimuli. Sometimes what starts as an initial coping skill (i.e. not crying), turns into a lifelong habit. Our bodies are very responsive to the ways we teach them to cope. 

I work with young girls, a lot of whom have traumatic pasts and have lived destructive lifestyles, and one of the things we require of them to progress through the program is to tear down the walls and allow others to see their emotions. This is important because it is a sign that they are healing on the inside. When something or someone hurts us, our automatic response is to put up a wall of protection so that we cannot be hurt again. And for some, not allowing themselves to cry prevents them from feeling the pain. Thus a wall is put in place. But is that wall a good thing? A wall might keep out some of the bad, but it’s also not going to let the good in. Not only are those with an emotional wall pushing others away by not being able to share their emotions, they are “stuffing” it themselves and not really addressing the root/cause of the problem/hurt. Allowing others to see one’s emotions requires vulnerability. But before one can be vulnerable with others, they have to be honest with themselves. A person may really want to cry in front of others, and just as "Amanda" in The Holiday, when healing from the real incident takes place and one begins to break down that wall, and allow themselves to feel again, naturally that initial coping skill turned lifelong habit will cease. And they will be able to cry again!

So let the tears flow, and allow others to catch glimpses of you in the vulnerable. It will add so much to your life. 

When Life Hurts

It's so clique. Everyone know life is hard. People from centuries past through today broach the subject. There are self-help books on how to cope with the pain, heal from loss, and move on with one's life. There are counselors and those who love us that offer advice and support. Yet somehow no one has the "right" answers even still on what to do with the pain that comes from simply existing. It's an age old problem with millions of hypotheses. But no box-pat answer or solution.

It seems pointless to address it for all the above reasons, but words for me are a way of processing. Change is often an instigator of hurt in life. It can come in the form of losing a loved one - either through death or other causes. It can be the pivot trigger in a seemingly positive addition to life, like a marriage or birth of a child. Or something as small as a job change, move, degree switch, or the discontinuation of a favorite product line :). What might seem trivial to one person is the end-all for another. And no one can ever fully know or empathize with another person's tragedy or situation. So change in effect becomes our nemesis, even though it is also a much-needed and powerful action for good as well.

But what happens when the change becomes so overwhelming that all that can be felt is pain? It sears your very core and then the lingering heat is left to flow through every un-touched part of you. In it's wake is a mutation of who you  once thought you were. Everything just hurts. And bad. Then what? That's where the choice becomes one's own. No one can dictate a proper response to another's given situation (which is why there are so many different books and ideas, but still no answers). Some shut down, fall into depression, or end their own lives. Others pretend nothing ever happened and stuff the pain by playing "tough," while being very unhappy people. And some overcome with a "what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger" outlook. 

Where does that leave me? I know I have a destiny beyond just surviving so it is not an option to allow any amount of pain to become so crippling that I am not a shining light for Christ. I also have the knowledge and comfort of knowing that every circumstance in my life is sovereignly orchestrated, and there is a purpose for each hurt and sorrow. But it's getting though the day to day with the weight of the grief and sadness that is the struggle for me. The tears that threaten to overflow at inopportune times, and the inability to practically function... that's what's hard. No one has to tell me that these are the things that will purify and refine me in my faith - I know all that and have tested it to be true. How does that tangibly help though? It doesn't. It's the simple gestures from loved ones that help ease the ache of the day to day; the unexpected package in the mail, the simple effort of a call, and the verbal affirmation over my life. Boiling point: surviving and thriving through the hurts of life for me entails a few things. 1) Complete absorbance and trust in my Savior 2) Support shown from my friends and family. 

When you're in pain, be strong. Push through the growing pains to emerge into a butterfly. Allow God to carry the burden of your pain, but let yourself grieve. Don't doubt with "whys," but be comforted with God's arms around you wiping every tear that falls. Find joy in the little things of life and don't take a moment for granted. Express your emotions to others and don't be afraid to ask for help. And whether it is you or someone else in a tough spot, remember that no one has all the right answers of what to do... when life hurts. 

Happy New Year!

2009?! Really? That is SOOOO strange.... where does time go? And when did I suddenly grow up? Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, and New Years... There used to be such a build up of climax for the whole 2 months. And now it came and went without so much as a blink, not holding much significance.  But none the less, HAPPY NEW YEAR! :-) I have made no resolutions for the year except to survive; it seems best that way. Where there is no expectations there is no disappointment. That sounds depressing, so let me phrase it another way- I have goals and things that I am seeking to accomplish, but none that are specific to the start of a new year. They have been in existence for a long time... like getting caught up on organizing my digital media & scrapbooks, reading all the classics, going to graduate school, backpacking through Europe, and working in Calcutta, India... just to mention a few. 

In review, I spent Christmas Eve and Day at the Ranch with my girls... 

Going home after Christmas was good. It was nice to see my family. Even though I realized upon coming back that I had no Christmas family pictures, this one is still my favorite. My sisters, Mom, and I played old women having a tea party  practically every day per my little sister Shariena. 

I am still waiting on arrival of my new niece/nephew who was supposed to make an appearance in the year of 2008, but apparently had no interest in meeting me and "no-showed." Thanks a lot, little one. Disappointing. 

Being back in this arctic tundra has proved to already provide it's new challenges for the year. More on that later. We will just say for now that I had to get an emergency ride to work yesterday because I was experiencing the literal meaning of snowed-in.