Doritaenopsis Orchid

I have no explanation for my sudden realization that I REALLY love orchids. My favorite one in particular is the Doritaenopsis orchid.

There is something stunning about how 

it is so elegant and feminine 

yet so exotic and freelance.

The Mold of Me

You say I am strong. You say I can do it. You say you admire me. You say I am an angel. You say I am sacrificial. You say I am selfless. You say I have a gift.

 

When really, I am just ordinary. You would do the same thing if you were me. 

In my weakness, He is strong. He is a gentle Master, but yet has to break what He cannot use in the rudimentary mold of my human nature. Those are the tears you see. But in the end, it is worth it... His strength is perfect in my weak and broken spirit.

According to the law of physics, an object is only as strong as it's weakest point. Perhaps this is why God breaks me at my most susceptible point. He does not ever give me more than I can handle. While it is true that I have been dealt some harder blows than others, He has given me the strength to endure those blows. The strength that comes from being broken at my weakest point. This must be the strength you see when you say I'm strong. When you say that out of anyone, I, of all people could do it. 

"Just One Tear!" allowing others to see your emotions

One of my all-time favorite movies is The Holiday. It is the epitome of pathetic, which perhaps explains my ability to relate. The single, lonely individual with a not-so-great relationship track record, yet successful career… who is, well, still single. In the movie, Cameron Diaz plays a character who simply cannot cry. She is literally not capable of crying, and hasn’t since her parents’ divorce at age 12. As an adult, she wants to be able to cry and it bothers others that she can’t. The crying quandary comes to climax when she cries out “Please! Just one tear!” As the movie would have it, her heart begins to heal through the process of falling in love and her ability to cry returns.

Why is it that some people really can’t cry? It is not because they have no emotions or even because they do not want to cry necessarily. It is because it has become a conditioned habit as a response to getting hurt, either once or continuously. In other words, their “emotional self” is responding to external stimuli. Sometimes what starts as an initial coping skill (i.e. not crying), turns into a lifelong habit. Our bodies are very responsive to the ways we teach them to cope. 

I work with young girls, a lot of whom have traumatic pasts and have lived destructive lifestyles, and one of the things we require of them to progress through the program is to tear down the walls and allow others to see their emotions. This is important because it is a sign that they are healing on the inside. When something or someone hurts us, our automatic response is to put up a wall of protection so that we cannot be hurt again. And for some, not allowing themselves to cry prevents them from feeling the pain. Thus a wall is put in place. But is that wall a good thing? A wall might keep out some of the bad, but it’s also not going to let the good in. Not only are those with an emotional wall pushing others away by not being able to share their emotions, they are “stuffing” it themselves and not really addressing the root/cause of the problem/hurt. Allowing others to see one’s emotions requires vulnerability. But before one can be vulnerable with others, they have to be honest with themselves. A person may really want to cry in front of others, and just as "Amanda" in The Holiday, when healing from the real incident takes place and one begins to break down that wall, and allow themselves to feel again, naturally that initial coping skill turned lifelong habit will cease. And they will be able to cry again!

So let the tears flow, and allow others to catch glimpses of you in the vulnerable. It will add so much to your life. 

Go Back to Your Habitat

If you hunt, please come to Whitefish, Montana. If you have friends that hunt, bring them along. I personally would like to learn just so I could shoot some of the deer myself. They think they are a part of civilization around here, and possess no concept of the word danger. Not only can you practically walk right up to one and pet it, but you can be driving on the main highway and run right into one. I would know because I did it. I love nature, and I enjoy the animals that are a part of it, but not to the extent of it costing me money to repair the damages they cause. THAT is disturbing. It is also sickening to watch a maimed animal croak to its death. I do not want to repeat that experience; I try not to be paranoid, but I am... just a little. 

To complete the story, I ran into a deer (one of three) standing in the middle of the highway at 7am on Wednesday. I did see them in time to slam on my brakes despite the fog, but with a momentum from going 65mph I still ended up hitting the thing. The miraculous part is that my baby car was unharmed. Thank you, God.  I cannot even say it enough ways. Wow. Cute on the outside, sturdy and feisty on the inside - that is why I love my Mazda. And it totally fits her name, Lena, which means illustrious and feisty. She also did just fine when I had a near encounter with a mountain lion on the road this week. Which, I will say, was awesome to see! 

A message to the wildlife of Montana: if you could stay in your neck of the woods it would be much appreciated. 

This has not been my favorite of weeks by any stretch of the imagination, but when the sky does fall, it does it well. It truly is amazing how financial, personal, family, and work situations all surface with crises at the same time.  But it never ceases to amaze me that no matter how much or how awful stuff gets, it's never to much to handle. I always know I'll get through. Or more like, God will carry me through. 

When Life Hurts

It's so clique. Everyone know life is hard. People from centuries past through today broach the subject. There are self-help books on how to cope with the pain, heal from loss, and move on with one's life. There are counselors and those who love us that offer advice and support. Yet somehow no one has the "right" answers even still on what to do with the pain that comes from simply existing. It's an age old problem with millions of hypotheses. But no box-pat answer or solution.

It seems pointless to address it for all the above reasons, but words for me are a way of processing. Change is often an instigator of hurt in life. It can come in the form of losing a loved one - either through death or other causes. It can be the pivot trigger in a seemingly positive addition to life, like a marriage or birth of a child. Or something as small as a job change, move, degree switch, or the discontinuation of a favorite product line :). What might seem trivial to one person is the end-all for another. And no one can ever fully know or empathize with another person's tragedy or situation. So change in effect becomes our nemesis, even though it is also a much-needed and powerful action for good as well.

But what happens when the change becomes so overwhelming that all that can be felt is pain? It sears your very core and then the lingering heat is left to flow through every un-touched part of you. In it's wake is a mutation of who you  once thought you were. Everything just hurts. And bad. Then what? That's where the choice becomes one's own. No one can dictate a proper response to another's given situation (which is why there are so many different books and ideas, but still no answers). Some shut down, fall into depression, or end their own lives. Others pretend nothing ever happened and stuff the pain by playing "tough," while being very unhappy people. And some overcome with a "what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger" outlook. 

Where does that leave me? I know I have a destiny beyond just surviving so it is not an option to allow any amount of pain to become so crippling that I am not a shining light for Christ. I also have the knowledge and comfort of knowing that every circumstance in my life is sovereignly orchestrated, and there is a purpose for each hurt and sorrow. But it's getting though the day to day with the weight of the grief and sadness that is the struggle for me. The tears that threaten to overflow at inopportune times, and the inability to practically function... that's what's hard. No one has to tell me that these are the things that will purify and refine me in my faith - I know all that and have tested it to be true. How does that tangibly help though? It doesn't. It's the simple gestures from loved ones that help ease the ache of the day to day; the unexpected package in the mail, the simple effort of a call, and the verbal affirmation over my life. Boiling point: surviving and thriving through the hurts of life for me entails a few things. 1) Complete absorbance and trust in my Savior 2) Support shown from my friends and family. 

When you're in pain, be strong. Push through the growing pains to emerge into a butterfly. Allow God to carry the burden of your pain, but let yourself grieve. Don't doubt with "whys," but be comforted with God's arms around you wiping every tear that falls. Find joy in the little things of life and don't take a moment for granted. Express your emotions to others and don't be afraid to ask for help. And whether it is you or someone else in a tough spot, remember that no one has all the right answers of what to do... when life hurts. 

Color Outside the Lines

Sometimes life takes a guidebook, and other times it requires you to make one. The latter often resulting in some colors outside the lines. "Life is what you make it" or "Work with what you've got..." I've been pondering these things as I once again find myself in the midst of difficult changes. Stay tuned for more details in the near future.  That's just a morsel of thought for the day. 

It took me plus 3 neighbors to get my car "un-stuck" yesterday after an hour+ of digging. I can't say that I have ever had to take a shovel to my CAR before; the sidewalk, yes, but not the car. Usually a handy little scraper and long handled brush do the job. Not here. Some advice for living  in places where it snows large amounts and often: get a garage, an SUV, and studded tires. 

I'm going to take you on a virtual tour of my apartment soon... I just want to paint first. So give me few more weeks.

This is for those of you who are struggling knowing what time zone I live in or failed geography of the Unites States (and my mom thought I was bad... she has NO idea).  And fyi, I am in the furthest possible corner of NW Montana. 

Living in a small town suits me since I don't have a GPS. There's nowhere to get lost :-). But once again, even though I have been coined as being directionally challenged, I will reference the geography comment again and say that I am not THAT bad. When I know more about the streets and locations of places than people that have lived here for a year, it's an ego booster for me. Kudos. None the less, I do feel bad for those people.

A grand experience came my way tonight. I encountered a long lost love of mine: playing BUNKO! For those unfamiliar with the game, it involves dice, a bell, a money pot, and tally sheets. My friend Kortny and I played with a bunch of 60 & 70 yr ladies and were doing all we could to control our laughter the entire time. It was great. And guess what? I won for having the amount of most losses in the night and got my $5 back that it took to enter. Score. 

Happy New Year!

2009?! Really? That is SOOOO strange.... where does time go? And when did I suddenly grow up? Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, and New Years... There used to be such a build up of climax for the whole 2 months. And now it came and went without so much as a blink, not holding much significance.  But none the less, HAPPY NEW YEAR! :-) I have made no resolutions for the year except to survive; it seems best that way. Where there is no expectations there is no disappointment. That sounds depressing, so let me phrase it another way- I have goals and things that I am seeking to accomplish, but none that are specific to the start of a new year. They have been in existence for a long time... like getting caught up on organizing my digital media & scrapbooks, reading all the classics, going to graduate school, backpacking through Europe, and working in Calcutta, India... just to mention a few. 

In review, I spent Christmas Eve and Day at the Ranch with my girls... 

Going home after Christmas was good. It was nice to see my family. Even though I realized upon coming back that I had no Christmas family pictures, this one is still my favorite. My sisters, Mom, and I played old women having a tea party  practically every day per my little sister Shariena. 

I am still waiting on arrival of my new niece/nephew who was supposed to make an appearance in the year of 2008, but apparently had no interest in meeting me and "no-showed." Thanks a lot, little one. Disappointing. 

Being back in this arctic tundra has proved to already provide it's new challenges for the year. More on that later. We will just say for now that I had to get an emergency ride to work yesterday because I was experiencing the literal meaning of snowed-in.